Admissions Essay Guide: 2007

Admissions statistics illuminate trend

Class of 2011, first to undergo holistic review, has fewer students, slightly higher GPA

University officials have released final data on the fall 2007 class, shedding light on the first year UCLA has used its new holistic admissions process.

The Office of Undergraduate Admissions and Relations with Schools released statistics last week on class size, students’ ethnic backgrounds, average GPA and SAT scores, as well as other information.

The figures were largely consistent with preliminary numbers released last May, when admitted students submitted their statements of intent to register. A handful of students who submitted SIRs decided over the summer not to attend UCLA, accounting for minor disparities between the preliminary numbers and the final data.

The fall 2007 freshman class is comprised of 4,564 students, nearly 300 fewer than the fall 2006 class. Janina Montero, vice chancellor for student affairs, said admissions officials opted to hold down the size of the freshman class because the university in general is slightly overenrolled.

The latest admissions information also showed steady levels of academic achievement – new students’ average GPA and SAT scores were relatively consistent with recent years. But the bulk of scrutiny has been focused on nonacademic factors. This was the first year UCLA used holistic admissions, a new process designed to give greater weight to students’ personal circumstances and achievements.

University officials adopted the new policy last year in response to criticism that UCLA’s old admissions process unfairly disadvantaged underrepresented minority students.

Montero said reactions to holistic admissions have been strongly positive, especially from application readers.

“There has been an overwhelming positive response to the quality of the selection process,” she said. “(Readers appreciate) the opportunity to really see a student’s experience really displayed in full.”

Some underrepresented groups saw increased enrollment for fall 2007 – the number of black and Latino freshman jumped from 241 in 2006 to 389 in 2007. But other groups, such as students from low-income families and first-generation college students, saw enrollment declines.

Montero cautioned against drawing conclusions about the efficacy of holistic admissions based on data from just one year. “It’s difficult to be making any definitive statements,” she said. “You can’t look at figures of any one year. ... You have to look at trends.”

She added that university officials are currently reviewing the data but have no immediate plans to change the holistic admissions process.

D’Artagnan Scorza, student regent-designate on the UC Board of Regents and a UCLA graduate student in education and information studies, said that though he agrees it is too early to judge holistic review, he believes it is a step in the right direction.

“Given the factor that we see a more diverse student population, it could be a sign for a more inclusive, more helpful process,” he said. “Students now have a better chance of getting into the university based on the context of their environment.”

He noted that the holistic review process itself may not be entirely responsible for the change in enrollment for some underrepresented groups. Rather, normal variance in the general applicant pool may account for some of the change, Scorza said.

Vu Tran, UCLA’s director of admissions, said he was happy with the fall 2007 results.

“Overall, our admissions goal is always to enroll a group of high achievers from diverse backgrounds,” he said. “Fall 2007 ... is very encouraging – to be able to increase diversity while academic achievement remains more or less the same.”

University officials were surprised by the consistent quality of academics, Montero said. UCLA modeled its version of holistic review after UC Berkeley’s, and the year after Berkeley implemented holistic admissions, academic achievement declined slightly.

But policy set by the regents mandates that academics be given more weight than any other section of the application, and readers are specifically trained to assess applications in light of that requirement, Montero said.

Readers go through several months of training, including many practice reads, Tran said. The training process for fall 2008 readers is already under way.

Early admissions policies give children of the rich an edge

This week the College Board released its annual report on college pricing - and as many feared, tuitions continue to rise, while the average Pell Grant, the cornerstone of federal funding for higher education, failed for the fourth year in a row to keep pace with inflation.

For the wealthy, however, their own affirmative action is just heating up. Early admissions - the first round of college admissions deadlines - are upon us. The lucky few who are chosen are exempted from the agony of completing dozens of applications and the daily ritual of anxiously checking the mail or the Internet next spring once colleges have decided.

Early admission provides an opportunity for students who are ready to commit to a college or university to know whether the feelings are mutual. For colleges, it is their chance to lock in a portion of their freshman class with high GPAs or excellent test scores or unique talents.

Everyone wins, right? Not exactly. As it turns out, applicants for early admissions slots are not just lucky and not just the most qualified. They have better odds of getting in than do regular applicants, but only wealthy students who don't need financial aid can afford to make their choice based solely on the school they think they'd like to attend. Recognizing the inherent unfairness, Harvard and Princeton have ended this practice.

But it's not just early admissions practices that are unfair.

A college coach asserts that 95 percent of her teenage clients are accepted by their first-choice school, usually one in the Ivy League. The price for coaching services: $40,000. (To put this figure into perspective, two-thirds of Pell Grant recipients came from families with annual incomes below $30,000.) A summer camp for writing college admissions essays ($3,500) boasts that more than 70 percent of its alumni are accepted into their first-choice college. For $7,000, you can buy a summer experience for a high school student to describe on their college application as community service.

While some high school seniors enjoy these fruits of their parents' wealth, other equally talented students from less affluent families do not have these options.

Advantages for the rich often begin long before an application is even submitted. Before the college applications hit the mailbox, parents with the financial means are exercising their purchasing power to the hilt to secure competitive advantages for their children to compete for entry. Can their applications truly be viewed as equal to those of a poorer student whose parents can't afford the costly prep work? Can the applications of two students be fairly evaluated when one received years of SAT prep and personalized coaching sessions and the other had no such luck?

One answer is for universities to require mandatory disclosure by students and parents of each and every form of purchased help. Parents could disclose and certify the level of college coaching their child received, including the amount of assistance provided by a high school; any private college counselors/coaches retained; the number of PSAT, SAT and any other standardized test preparatory classes taken; the number of times the tests were actually taken; any assistance on essay writing; and activities pursued to bolster the student's record, including community service activities, trips and unpaid internships.

Another solution, partly in place at many universities, is comprehensive review. This process is designed to look at the applicants' entire circumstances and put their achievements into context. For example, if two students from different schools have comparable high school transcripts and each took three advanced placement classes, it should matter that at one student's school this was the total number of AP courses offered, while in the other student's school, 25 AP classes were available.

Similarly, if a student's SAT score was 610 in math, it's reasonable to consider whether that represents the 90th percentile or the 30th percentile among that student's classmates. With a broader understanding of raw talent versus coached and coddled talent, admission committees can make better decisions. With a full understanding of how perks available to children of the well-to-do put children of lower socioeconomic groups at an unfair disadvantage, we can begin to bring an end to a system of reinforcing wealth and privilege and create a fairer admissions process.

In other words, we can support meaningful efforts to level the playing field and make our institutions of higher education more meritocratic. And what does this mean for business? Recruiters touting a desire to hire a diverse staff frequently complain of a limited pool of people of color. The first step in fostering a diverse environment needs to come well before they are reviewing resumes. It is a role and responsibility of corporate leaders to press for hidden barriers to be removed early in their communities, in schools and elsewhere. Businesses will, in the end, reap the benefits for prompting changes in schools.

Mitch Kapor is the founder of Lotus Development Corp. and board chairman of Linden Research, which created Second Life. He also helps fund education programs for underrepresented students of color. Freada Kapor Klein is the founder of the Level Playing Field Institute ( www.lpfi.org) and author of "Giving Notice: Why the Best and the Brightest Leave the Workplace and How You Can Help Them Stay" (Jossey-Bass, October 2007). Contact us at insight@sfchronicle.com.

College Essay Tips

Step One: Brainstorming

The most important part of your essay is the subject matter. You should expect to devote about 1-2 weeks simply to brainstorming ideas. To begin brainstorming a subject idea consider the following points. From brainstorming, you may find a subject you had not considered at first.

What are your major accomplishments, and why do you consider them accomplishments? Do not limit yourself to accomplishments you have been formally recognized for since the most interesting essays often are based on accomplishments that may have been trite at the time but become crucial when placed in the context of your life.
Does any attribute, quality, or skill distinguish you from everyone else? How did you develop this attribute?
Consider your favorite books, movies, works of art, etc. Have these influenced your life in a meaningful way? Why are they your favorites?
What was the most difficult time in your life, and why? How did your perspective on life change as a result of the difficulty?
Have you ever struggled mightily for something and succeeded? What made you successful?
Have you ever struggled mightily for something and failed? How did you respond?
Of everything in the world, what would you most like to be doing right now? Where would you most like to be? Who, of everyone living and dead, would you most like to be with? These questions should help you realize what you love most.
Have you experienced a moment of epiphany, as if your eyes were opened to something you were previously blind to?
What is your strongest, most unwavering personality trait? Do you maintain strong beliefs or adhere to a philosophy? How would your friends characterize you? What would they write about if they were writing your admissions essay for you?
What have you done outside of the classroom that demonstrates qualities sought after by universities? Of these, which means the most to you?
What are your most important extracurricular or community activities? What made you join these activities? What made you continue to contribute to them?
What are your dreams of the future? When you look back on your life in thirty years, what would it take for you to consider your life successful? What people, things, and accomplishments do you need? How does this particular university fit into your plans for the future?

If these questions cannot cure your writer's block, consider the following exercises:

If you cannot characterize yourself and your personality traits do not automatically leap to mind, ask your friends to write a list of your five most salient personality traits. Ask your friends why they chose the ones they did. If an image of your personality begins to emerge, consider life experiences that could illustrate the particular traits.

While admissions officers are not interested in reading about your childhood and are more interested in the last 2-4 years of your life, you might consider events of your childhood that inspired the interests you have today. Interests that began in childhood may be the most defining parts of your life, even if you recently lost interest. For instance, if you were interested in math since an early age and now want to study medicine, you might incorporate this into your medical school admissions essay. Analyze the reasons for your interests and how they were shaped from your upbringing.

Many applicants do not have role models and were never greatly influenced by just one or two people. However, for those of you who have role models and actually aspire to become like certain people, you may want to incorporate a discussion of that person and the traits you admired into your application essay.

Before you sat down to write a poem, you would certainly read past poets. Before writing a book of philosophy, you would consider past philosophers. In the same way, we recommend reading sample admissions essays to understand what topics other applicants chose. EssayEdge maintains an archive of over 100 free sample admissions essays. Click here to view sample essays that worked.

Life is short. Why do you want spend 2-6 years of your life at a particular college, graduate school, or professional school? How is the degree necessary to the fulfillment of your goals? When considering goals, think broadly. Few people would be satisfied with just a career. How else will your education fit your needs and lead you to a fulfilling life?

If after reading this entire page you do not have an idea for your essay, do not be surprised. Coming up with an idea is difficult and requires time. Actually consider the questions and exercises above. Without a topic you feel passionate about, without one that brings out the defining aspects of you personality, you risk falling into the trap of sounding like the 90 percent of applicants who will write boring admissions essays. The only way to write a unique essay is to have experiences that support whatever topic you come up with. Whatever you do, don't let the essay stress you out. Have fun with the brainstorming process. You might discover something about yourself you never consciously realized.

Good Luck!

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Step Two - Selecting an Essay Topic

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Having completed step one, you should now have a rough idea of the elements you wish to include in your essay, including your goals, important life experiences, research experience, diversifying features, spectacular nonacademic accomplishments, etc. You should also now have an idea of what impression you want to make on the admissions officers.

We should remark that at this stage, undergraduate applicants have a large advantage over graduate school applicants. Whereas nobody questions a high school student's motivation to attend college, graduate and professional school applicants must directly address in their essays their desire to study their selected field.

You must now confront the underlying problem of the admissions essay. You must now consider topics that will allow you to synthesize your important personal characteristics and experiences into a coherent whole while simultaneously addressing your desire to attend a specific institution. While most admissions essays allow great latitude in topic selection, you must also be sure to answer the questions that were asked of you. Leaving a lasting impression on someone who reads 50-100 essays a day will not be easy, but we have compiled some guidelines to help you get started. With any luck, one or two topics, with small changes, will allow you to answer application questions for 5-7 different colleges, although admissions officers do appreciate essays that provide convincing evidence of how an applicant will fit into a particular academic environment. You should at least have read the college's webpage, admissions catalog, and have an understanding of the institution's strengths.

Consider the following questions before proceeding:

Have you selected a topic that describes something of personal importance in your life, with which you can use vivid personal experiences as supporting details?

Is your topic a gimmick? That is, do you plan to write your essay in iambic pentameter or make it funny. You should be very, very careful if you are planning to do this. We recommend strongly that you do not do this. Almost always, this is done poorly and is not appreciated by the admissions committee. Nothing is worse than not laughing or not being amused at something that was written to be funny or amusing.

Will your topic only repeat information listed elsewhere on your application? If so, pick a new topic. Don't mention GPAs or standardized test scores in your essay.

Can you offer vivid supporting paragraphs to your essay topic? If you cannot easily think of supporting paragraphs with concrete examples, you should probably choose a different essay topic.

Can you fully answer the question asked of you? Can you address and elaborate on all points within the specified word limit, or will you end up writing a poor summary of something that might be interesting as a report or research paper? If you plan on writing something technical for college admissions, make sure you truly can back up your interest in a topic and are not merely throwing around big scientific words. Unless you convince the reader that you actually have the life experiences to back up your interest in neurobiology, the reader will assume you are trying to impress him/her with shallow tactics. Also, be sure you can write to admissions officers and that you are not writing over their heads.

Can you keep the reader's interest from the first word. The entire essay must be interesting, considering admissions officers will probably only spend a few minutes reading each essay.

Is your topic overdone? To ascertain this, peruse through old essays. EssayEdge's 100 free essays can help you do this. However, most topics are overdone, and this is not a bad thing. A unique or convincing answer to a classic topic can pay off big.

Will your topic turnoff a large number of people? If you write on how everyone should worship your God, how wrong or right abortion is, or how you think the Republican or Democratic Party is evil, you will not get into the college of your choice. The only thing worse than not writing a memorable essay is writing an essay that will be remembered negatively. Stay away from specific religions, political doctrines, or controversial opinions. You can still write an essay about Nietzsche's influence on your life, but express understanding that not all intelligent people will agree with Nietzsche's claims. Emphasize instead Nietzsche's influence on your life, and not why you think he was wrong or right in his claims.

In this vein, if you are presenting a topic that is controversial, you must acknowledge counter arguments without sounding arrogant.

Will an admissions officer remember your topic after a day of reading hundreds of essays? What will the officer remember about your topic? What will the officer remember about you? What will your lasting impression be?

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Step Three: Writing the Essay, Tips for Success

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Even seemingly boring topics can be made into exceptional admissions essays with an innovative approach. In writing the essay you must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade the admissions officer that you are extremely worthy of admission and to make the admissions officer aware that you are more than a GPA and a standardized score, that you are a real-life, intriguing personality.

Unfortunately, there is no surefire step-by-step method to writing a good essay. EssayEdge editors at http://www.EssayEdge.com/ will remake your essay into an awesome, memorable masterpiece, but every topic requires a different treatment since no two essays are alike. However, we have compiled the following list of tips that you should find useful while writing your admissions essay.

You can follow the next 11 steps, but if you miss the question, you will not be admitted to any institution.

Even seemingly boring essay topics can sound interesting if creatively approached. If writing about a gymnastics competition you trained for, do not start your essay: "I worked long hours for many weeks to train for XXX competition." Consider an opening like, "Every morning I awoke at 5:00 to sweat, tears, and blood as I trained on the uneven bars hoping to bring the state gymnastics trophy to my hometown."

Admissions officers want to learn about you and your writing ability. Write about something meaningful and describe your feelings, not necessarily your actions. If you do this, your essay will be unique. Many people travel to foreign countries or win competitions, but your feelings during these events are unique to you. Unless a philosophy or societal problem has interested you intensely for years, stay away from grand themes that you have little personal experience with.

For some reason, students continue to think big words make good essays. Big words are fine, but only if they are used in the appropriate contexts with complex styles. Think Hemingway.

If you are not adept with imagery, you can write an excellent essay without it, but it's not easy. The application essay lends itself to imagery since the entire essay requires your experiences as supporting details. Appeal to the five senses of the admissions officers.

Expect admissions officers to spend 1-2 minutes reading your essay. You must use your introduction to grab their interest from the beginning. You might even consider completely changing your introduction after writing your body paragraphs.

Don't Summarize in your Introduction. Ask yourself why a reader would want to read your entire essay after reading your introduction. If you summarize, the admissions officer need not read the rest of your essay.

Create Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the admissions officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their emotions to make them relate to your subject matter.

Your introduction can be original, but cannot be silly. The paragraphs that follow must relate to your introduction.

Applicants continue to ignore trans>

The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications. In the conclusion, avoid summary since the essay is rather short to begin with; the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words before. Also do not use stock phrases like "in conclusion, in summary, to conclude, etc." You should consider the following conclusions:

Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion.

Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.

Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.

End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not try to do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.

Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.

Remember, your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why your little sister died or why people starve in Africa; you are not writing a "sit-com," but should forge some attempt at closure.

Spend a week or so away from your draft to decide if you still consider your topic and approach worthwhile.

Ask editors to read with these questions in mind:

WHAT is the essay about?

Have I used active voice verbs wherever possible?

Is my sentence structure varied or do I use all long or all short sentences?

Do you detect any cliches?

Do I use transition appropriately?

Do I use imagery often and does this make the essay clearer and more vivid?

What's the best part of the essay?

What about the essay is memorable?

What's the worst part of the essay?

What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?

What parts of the essay do not support your main argument or are immaterial to your case?

Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This MUST be the case.

What does the essay reveal about your personality?

Could anyone else have written this essay?

How would you fill in the following blank based on the essay: "I want to accept you to this college because our college needs more ________."

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Law School Personal Statement Secrets

The law school personal statement, more so than essays for other graduate programs, resembles the kind of essay you wrote for your college applications. The topic is often completely open-ended. This freedom intimidates many students who prefer to have guidance and a clear notion of what admissions officers are looking for. Your goal must be to avoid depending too heavily on preconceptions and to focus instead on what you have to offer. In sum, law school admissions committees want interesting, confident, and successful people.

When writing your law school personal statement, you should reflect on two fundamental questions:

1. Why do I want to be a lawyer?
2. What are my qualifications?

As the founder of EssayEdge.com, the Net's largest admissions essay prep company, I have seen firsthand the difference a well-written application essay can make. Through its free online admissions essay help course and 300 Harvard-educated editors, EssayEdge.com helps tens of thousands of student each year improve their essays and gain admission to law schools ranging from Harvard to State U.

Having personally edited over 2,000 admissions essays myself for EssayEdge.com, I have written this article to help you avoid the most common essay flaws. If you remember nothing else about this article, remember this: Be Interesting. Be Concise.

Why Do I Want to Be a Lawyer?

In the tired eyes of an admissions officer, nothing is more tedious than an essay that starts off, "I have always wanted to be a lawyer," and then cites a list of trite reasons. One obvious mistake is to focus on your parents' experiences as lawyers without demonstrating any independent, mature thinking about your own goals. A less obvious, more common mistake is to write about how you want to help people. The fact is that most law school graduates, especially from the top schools, go on to work in the private sector. Law school admissions officers are well aware that most of their graduates will go on to seek financially rewarding careers, so applicants who mention clichés about wanting to "improve society" usually sound disingenuous.

If you have a specific goal, such as working for a particular disadvantaged group that lacks advocates, then the situation is different: It's always good to showcase a unique, focused commitment. Even better would be if you had a track record of community service to back up your objectives. For example, you may have worked with handicapped people for several years, and this exposed you to certain injustices that you want to correct. The same approach would work for topics that are not about public service. For example, one might describe a background in science and connect this to current interests in intellectual property law.

How Am I Qualified to Be a Lawyer?

Unlike medical schools, which want to assess specific personal qualities in their applicants, law schools use academic achievement as the primary criterion in evaluating your ability to succeed in law. Thus, you need not be concerned if nothing in your essay directly addresses the issue of why you're qualified for a legal career. However, if you have substantive points to make within this area, you can certainly help your case.

It's most essential to discuss your background and qualifications when these overlap with your current goals. For example, you might discuss your interest in international law, tying it to a multicultural background or global work experiences. As always, the details you provide will make or break your discussion. But the strength of an "Experiences in Law" essay depends more than usual on the originality of your experience. The fact is that many people will have similar experiences and even perform the same level of duties. While such an essay can establish your competence, it will be unlikely to make you stand out. Less conventional experiences, however, are certainly worth highlighting.

TOP 10 LAW SCHOOL STATEMENT WRITING TIPS

1. Don't Write in Legalese.
As a prospective law student, you may be tempted to try to impress your reader with an already tight grasp of legal writing. Resist this temptation! You will have plenty of time to produce the labyrinthine sentences and sophisticated vocabulary for which legal briefs are famous. Your reader will have seen too many essays to appreciate bewilderingly advanced prose. Law schools are looking for unique individuals who want to learn about the law, not ready-made lawyers. Write clearly and personably.

2. Don't Bore the Reader. Do Be Interesting.
Admissions officers have to read hundreds of essays, and they must often skim. Abstract rumination has no place in an application essay. Admissions officers aren't looking for a new way to view the world; they're looking for a new way to view you, the applicant. The best way to grip your reader is to begin the essay with a captivating snapshot. Notice how the blunt, jarring "after" sentence creates intrigue and keeps the reader's interest.

Before: I am a compilation of many years of experiences gained from overcoming the relentless struggles of life.

After: I was six years old, the eldest of six children in the Bronx, when my father was murdered.

3. Do Use Personal Detail. Show, Don't Tell!
Good essays are concrete and grounded in personal detail. They do not merely assert "I learned my lesson" or that "these lessons are useful both on and off the field." They show it through personal detail. "Show, don't tell" means that if you want to relate a personal quality, do so through your experiences without merely asserting it.

Before: If it were not for a strong support system which instilled into me strong family values and morals, I would not be where I am today.

After: Although my grandmother and I didn't have a car or running water, we still lived far more comfortably than did the other families I knew. I learned an important lesson: My grandmother made the most of what little she had, and she was known and respected for her generosity. Even at that age, I recognized the value she placed on maximizing her resources and helping those around her.

The first example is vague and could have been written by anybody. But the second sentence evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.

4. Do Be Concise. Don't Be Wordy.
Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but also confuses the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point. Certain phrases, such as "the fact that," are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives.

Before: My recognition of the fact that the project was finally over was a deeply satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory.

After: Completing the project at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment.

5. Do Address Your Weaknesses. Don't Dwell on Them.
The personal statement may be your only opportunity to explain deficiencies in your application, and you should take advantage of it. Be sure to explain them adequately: "I partied too much to do well on tests" will not help your application. The best tactic is to spin the negatives into positives by stressing your attempts to improve; for example, mention your poor first-quarter grades briefly, then describe what you did to bring them up.

Before: My father encouraged me to go to _______ Law School, but I did not realize at the time that _______ Law School was not the law school I wanted to attend to obtain a legal education. I experienced both personal and academic problems, which affected my grades and my performance in law school.

After: Discontent with _______ Law School and my performance there, I withdrew and instead went on to attain a master's degree in Library and Information Science. But I have never abandoned my aspiration to become a lawyer. My work in the law library at _______ University has allowed me to learn more about the law, and now I plan to return to law school with renewed dedication.

6. Do Vary Your Sentences and Use Transitions.
The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words like nevertheless, furthermore or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument.

Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music.

After: I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened.

7. Do Use Active Voice Verbs.
Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice employs a form of the word to be, such as was or were. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting.

Before: The lessons that have prepared me for my career as a lawyer were taught to me by my mother.

After: My mother taught me lessons that will prove invaluable in my career as a lawyer.

8. Do Seek Multiple Opinions.
Ask your friends and family to keep these questions in mind:

Does my essay have one central theme?
Does my introduction engage the reader? Does my conclusion provide closure?
Do my introduction and conclusion avoid summary?
Do I use concrete experiences as supporting details?
Have I used active-voice verbs wherever possible?
Is my sentence structure varied, or do I use all long or short sentences?
Are there any clichés, such as "cutting-edge" or "learned my lesson"?
Do I use transitions appropriately?
What about the essay is memorable?
What's the worst part of the essay?
What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?
What parts of the essay do not support my main argument?
Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This must be the case.
What does the essay reveal about my personality?

9. Don't Wander. Do Stay Focused.
Many applicants try to turn the personal statement into a complete autobiography. Not surprisingly, they find it difficult to pack so much information into such a short essay, and their essays end up sounding more like a list of experiences than a coherent, well-organized thought. Make sure that every sentence in your essay exists solely to support one central theme.

10. Do Revise, Revise, Revise.
The first step in an improving any essay is to cut, cut, and cut some more. EssayEdge.com's free admissions essay help course and Harvard-educated editors will be invaluable as you polish your essay to perfection. The EssayEdge.com free help course guides you through the entire essay-writing process, from brainstorming worksheets and question-specific strategies for the twelve most common essay topics to a description of ten introduction types and editing checklists.

SAMPLE ESSAY

My interest in the law began with donuts. As a child, I developed early persuasive skills during family disagreements on how to divide boxes of the treats. My parents belonged to the "the biggest people deserve the most donuts" school of thought; while as the youngest family member, I was a devout believer in the "one person, one donut" principle. The debates were often cutthroat, but when it came to donut distribution, I sought justice at any cost.

As my family grew older and more health-conscious, we stopped eating donuts, and for many years I forgot our childhood debates. However, some recent life decisions have brought to mind those early explorations of justice. When I first arrived at the American International School of Rotterdam, I quickly learned that my colleagues were a diverse and talented group of people. Unsure of how to establish my own place among them, I tried phrases that had always worked to impress college friends. "When I work for the UN . . . ," I told the second-grade teacher, and she answered with an erudite discussion of the problems she faced as a consultant for that organization. I told the kindergarten teacher, "When I'm in law school . . . ," only to hear about his own experiences in law school. By the time I discovered that even many grade-school students were better travelled than I, I learned to keep my mouth shut!

Living alone in a new country, removed from familiar personal and cultural clues to my identity and faced with these extraordinary co-workers, I started to feel meaningless. How, I wondered, could I possibly make a difference in a place as vast as our planet? To my own surprise, I found that answer at church. Although I was raised in the Bahá'í Faith, I have only recently understood the essential place that religion plays in my identity. Bahá'í social beliefs include the need to work against extreme poverty, nationalism, and prejudice; and I now realize that I cannot hold those beliefs without doing something about them. My identity rests on these convictions; I cannot see the need for help and just move on. I have to help; it's who I am.

The lessons I've learned from my international colleagues have channeled my desire for service into the field of international development. I still wish to fight the "'Biggest Get the Most' Theory of Donut Distribution," but now on an international scale.

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Scholarship Essay Samples

This section contains two sample scholarship essays:

Scholarship Essay One - Crabiel
Scholarship Essay Two - National Merit Scholar

Scholarship Essay One

CRABIEL SCHOLARSHIP WINNER - won $3,000 scholarship

Like Mr. Crabiel, I literally work tirelessly in many academic and leadership roles. I sleep no more than six hours a night because of my desire to expertly meet my many commitments. Throughout my life, I have worked as long and as hard as I possibly can to effect beneficial changes in both school and society.

During the summer of tenth grade, I took a number theory course at Johns Hopkins University with students from Alaska, California, and Bogota, Colombia. Similarly, during the summer following eleventh grade, I was one of ninety students from New Jersey selected to attend the Governor's School in the Sciences at Drew University. At Drew, I took courses in molecular orbital theory, special relativity, cognitive psychology, and I participated in an astrophysics research project. For my independent research project, I used a telescope to find the angular velocity of Pluto. With the angular velocity determined, I used Einstein's field equations and Kepler's laws to place an upper bound on the magnitude of the cosmological constant, which describes the curvature of space and the rate of the universe's expansion.

In addition to learning science, I recently lectured physics classes on special relativity at the request of my physics teacher. After lecturing one class for 45 minutes, one student bought many books on both general and special relativity to read during his study hall. Inspiring other students to search for knowledge kindles my own quest to understand the world and the people around me.

As president of the National Honor Society, I tutor students with difficulties in various subject areas. In addition, I am ranked number one in my class with an SAT score of 1580 and SATII scores of 750 in math, 760 in writing, and 800 in physics. In school, I take the hardest possible courses including every AP course offered at the high school. I am the leading member of the Math Team, the Academic Team, and the Model Congress Team. In the area of leadership, I have recently received the Rotary Youth Leadership Award from a local rotary club, have been asked to attend the National Youth Leadership Forum on Law and the Constitution in Washington D.C., and wrote the winning essay on patriotism for South Plainfield's VFW chapter. Currently enrolled in Spanish 6,I am a member of both the Spanish Club and the Spanish Honor Society. In addition, I recently was named a National Merit Scholar.

Besides involvement in academic and leadership positions, I am active in athletics. For instance, I lift weights regularly. In addition, I am the captain of my school's varsity tennis team. So far this year, my individual record on the team is 3-0.

Working vigorously upon being elected Student Council President, I have begun a biweekly publication of student council activities and opinions. Also, the executive board under my direction has opened the school store for the first time in nearly a decade. With paint and wood, we turned a janitor's closet into a fantastic store. I also direct many fund raisers and charity drives. For instance, I recently organized a charity drive that netted about $1,500 for the family of Alicia Lehman, a local girl who received a heart transplant.

As Student Liaison to the South Plainfield Board of Education, I am working to introduce more advanced-placement courses, more reading of philosophy, and more math and science electives into the curriculum. At curriculum committee meetings, I have been effective in making Board members aware of the need for these courses. In addition, my speeches at public Board meetings often draw widespread support, which further helps to advance my plans for enhancing the curriculum.

I have also been effective as a Sunday school teacher. By helping elementary school students formulate principles and morals, I make a difference in their lives every week. The value system that I hope to instill in them will last them their entire lives. I find teaching first-graders about Christ extremely rewarding.

Clearly, I have devoted my life both to working to better myself and to improving civilization as a whole. Throughout the rest of my life, I hope to continue in this same manner of unselfish work. Just as freeholder Crabiel dedicates his life to public service, I commit my life to helping others and to advancing society's level of understanding.

Scholarship Essay Two

WINNING NATIONAL MERIT SCHOLAR ESSAY

Nothing in all the world is comparable to reading Ayn Rand beneath New York's skyline or to studying Nietzsche atop a mountain summit.

Since childhood, the studies of philosophy and science have interested me profoundly. Having read many books on relativity, quantum mechanics, existentialism, religion, capitalism, democracy and post-Aristotelian philosophy, my quest for knowledge has only intensified. Certainly, the purpose of my life is to discover a greater understanding of the universe and its people. Specifically, I plan to better grasp the interrelationship among forces, matter, space, and time. In addition, I hope to find a unified field theory and a convincing explanation for the birth of the universe.

During the summer of tenth grade, I took a number theory course at Johns Hopkins University with students from Alaska, California, and Bogota, Colombia. My attendance of the New Jersey Governor's School in the Sciences is another accomplishment that exemplifies my dedication to knowledge. During the summer following eleventh grade, I took courses in molecular orbital theory, special relativity, cognitive psychology, and I participated in an astrophysics research project. For my independent research project, I used a telescope to find the angular velocity of Pluto. With the angular velocity determined, I used Einstein's field equations and Kepler's laws to place an upper bound on the magnitude of the cosmological constant, which describes the curvature of space and the rate of the universe's expansion.

Also, as president of the National Honor Society, I tutor students with difficulties in various subject areas. Moreover, I am ranked number one in my class, and I am the leading member of the Math Team, the Academic Team, and the Model Congress Team. In the area of leadership, I have recently received the Rotary Youth Leadership Award from a local rotary club and have been asked to attend the National Youth Leadership Forum on Law and the Constitution in Washington D.C. Currently enrolled in Spanish 6,I am a member of both the Spanish Club and the Spanish Honor Society.

As student council president, I have begun a biweekly publication of student council activities and opinions. Also, the executive board under my direction has opened the school store for the first time in nearly a decade and is finding speakers to speak at a series of colloquia on topics ranging from physics to politics. Directing fund raisers and charity drives also consumes much of my time. For instance, I recently organized a charity drive that netted about $1,500 for the family of a local girl in need of a heart transplant.

Consistent with my love of freedom and my belief in democracy, which is best summarized by Hayek's Road to Serfdom, I have recently initiated an application to become the liaison to the local board of education. Also, in keeping with my belief that individuals develop strong principles and ideology, I teach Sunday school three months a year and have chaperoned for a local Christian school.

Outside pure academics and leadership roles, I lift weights five times a week for an hour each day. In addition, I play singles for my school's varsity tennis team. Because I find extraordinary satisfaction in nature and have dedicated my life to its understanding, I enjoy mountain climbing. Among the notable peaks I have reached are Mt. Washington, Mt Jefferson, Mt. Madison, Mt. Marcy and Mt. Katahdin. Unquestionably, my life's aim is to dramatically raise the height of the mountain of knowledge so that my successors may have a more accurate view of the universe around them.

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Scholarship Essay Guide

This article contains three parts:

Step One: Brainstorming

Scholarship essays vary dramatically in subject. However, most of them require a recounting of personal experience. These tips will be more helpful for writing personal essays, like for the National Merit Scholarship, than for writing academic essays.

The most important aspect of your scholarship essay is the subject matter. You should expect to devote about 1-2 weeks simply to brainstorming ideas. To begin brainstorming a subject idea consider the following points. From brainstorming, you may find a subject you had not considered at first.

What are your major accomplishments, and why do you consider them accomplishments? Do not limit yourself to accomplishments you have been formally recognized for since the most interesting essays often are based on accomplishments that may have been trite at the time but become crucial when placed in the context of your life. This is especially true if the scholarship committee receives a list of your credentials anyway.

Does any attribute, quality, or skill distinguish you from everyone else? How did you develop this attribute?

Consider your favorite books, movies, works of art, etc. Have these influenced your life in a meaningful way? Why are they your favorites?

What was the most difficult time in your life, and why? How did your perspective on life change as a result of the difficulty?

Have you ever struggled mightily for something and succeeded? What made you successful?

Have you ever struggled mightily for something and failed? How did you respond?

Of everything in the world, what would you most like to be doing right now? Where would you most like to be? Who, of everyone living and dead, would you most like to be with? These questions should help you realize what you love most.

Have you experienced a moment of epiphany, as if your eyes were opened to something you were previously blind to?

What is your strongest, most unwavering personality trait? Do you maintain strong beliefs or adhere to a philosophy? How would your friends characterize you? What would they write about if they were writing your scholarship essay for you?

What have you done outside of the classroom that demonstrates qualities sought after by universities? Of these, which means the most to you?

What are your most important extracurricular or community activities? What made you join these activities? What made you continue to contribute to them?

What are your dreams of the future? When you look back on your life in thirty years, what would it take for you to consider your life successful? What people, things, and accomplishments do you need? How does this particular scholarship fit into your plans for the future?

If these questions cannot cure your writer's block, consider the following exercises:

1. Ask for Help from Parents, Friends, Colleagues, etc.
If you cannot characterize yourself and your personality traits do not automatically leap to mind, ask your friends to write a list of your five most salient personality traits. Ask your friends why they chose the ones they did. If an image of your personality begins to emerge, consider life experiences that could illustrate these particular traits.

2. Consider your Childhood
While scholarship and aid officers are not interested in reading about your childhood and are more interested in the last 2-4 years of your life, you might consider events of your childhood that inspired the interests you have today. Interests that began in childhood may be the most defining parts of your life, even if you recently lost interest. For instance, if you experienced extreme poverty, the death of a loved one, immigration, etc., you might want to incorporate this into your scholarship essay. Analyze the reasons for your interests and how they were shaped from your upbringing.

3. Consider your Role Models
Many applicants do not have role models and were never greatly influenced by just one or two people. However, for those of you who have role models and actually aspire to become like certain people, you may want to incorporate a discussion of that person and the traits you admired into your scholarship or financial aid application essay.

4. Read Sample Scholarship Essays and Admissions Essays
Before writing a poem, you would certainly read past poets. Before writing a book of philosophy, you would consider past philosophers. In the same way, we recommend reading sample application essays to understand what topics other applicants chose. EssayEdge maintains an archive of over 100 free sample application essays. Click here to view sample essays that worked.

5. Goal Determination
Life is short. Why do you want spend 2-6 years of your life at a particular college, graduate school, or professional school? How is the degree necessary to the fulfillment of your goals? When considering goals, think broadly. Few people would be satisfied with just a career. How else will your education fit your needs and lead you to a fulfilling life?

If after reading this entire page you do not have an idea for your essay, do not be surprised. Coming up with an idea is difficult and requires time. Actually consider the questions and exercises above. Without a topic you feel passionate about, without one that brings out the defining aspects of you personality, you risk falling into the trap of sounding like the 90 percent of scholarship applicants who will write boring essays. The only way to write a unique essay is to have experiences that support whatever topic you come up with. Whatever you do, don't let the essay stress you out. Have fun with the brainstorming process. You might discover something about yourself you never consciously realized.

Good Luck!

Step Two - Selecting an Essay Topic

Having completed step one, you should now have a rough idea of the elements you wish to include in your scholarship essay, including your goals, important life experiences, research experience, diversifying features, spectacular nonacademic accomplishments, financial need, etc. You should also now have an idea of what impression you want to make on the scholarship committee.

You must now consider topics that will allow you to synthesize your important personal characteristics and experiences into a coherent whole. While most scholarship essays allow great latitude in topic selection, you must also be sure to answer the questions that were asked of you. Leaving a lasting impression on someone who reads 50 essays a day will not be easy, but we have compiled some guidelines to help you get started.

Consider the following questions before proceeding:

Have you selected a topic that describes something of personal importance in your life, with which you can use vivid personal experiences as supporting details?

Is your topic a gimmick? That is, do you plan to write your essay in iambic pentameter or make it funny. You should be very, very careful if you are planning to do this. We recommend strongly that you do not do this. Almost always, this is done poorly and is not appreciated by the scholarship committee unless a creative approach is explicitly recommended. Nothing is worse than not laughing or not being amused at something that was written to be funny or amusing.

Will your topic only repeat information listed elsewhere on your application? If so, pick a new topic. Don’t mention GPAs or standardized test scores in your essay if they are mentioned elsewhere.

Can you offer vivid supporting paragraphs to your essay topic? If you cannot easily think of supporting paragraphs with concrete examples, you should probably choose a different essay topic.

Can you fully answer the question asked of you? Can you address and elaborate on all points within the specified word limit? If you plan on writing about something technical, make sure you truly can back up your interest in a topic and are not merely throwing around big scientific words. Unless you convince the reader that you actually have the life experiences to back up your interest in neurobiology, the reader will assume you are trying to impress him/her with shallow tactics. Also, be sure you can write to the scholarship officers and that you are not writing over their heads.

Can you keep the reader's interest from the first word. The entire essay must be interesting, considering scholarship officers will probably only spend a few minutes reading each essay.

Is your topic overdone? To ascertain this, peruse through old essays. EssayEdge's 100 free application essays can help you do this. However, most topics are overdone, and this is not a bad thing. A unique or convincing answer to a classic topic can pay off big.

Will your topic turnoff a large number of people? If you write on how everyone should worship your God, how wrong or right abortion is, or how you think the Republican or Democratic Party is evil, you will not win the scholarship or aid award. The only thing worse than not writing a memorable essay is writing an essay that will be remembered negatively. Stay away from specific religions, political doctrines, or controversial opinions. You can still write an essay about Nietzsche's influence on your life, but express understanding that not all intelligent people will agree with Nietzsche's claims. Emphasize instead Nietzsche's influence on your life, and not why you think he was wrong or right in his claims.

In this vein, if you are presenting a topic that is controversial, you must acknowledge counter arguments without sounding arrogant.

Will a scholarship officer remember your topic after a day of reading hundreds of essays? What will the officer remember about your topic? What will the officer remember about you? What will your lasting impression be?

After evaluating your essay topics with the above criteria and asking for the free opinions of EssayEdge editors, of your teachers or colleagues, and of your friends, you should have at least 1-2 interesting essay topics. Consider the following guidelines below.

1. If you are planning on writing an essay on how you survived poverty in Russia, your mother's suicide, your father's kidnapping, or your immigration to America from Asia, you should be careful that your main goal is to address your own personal qualities. Just because something sad or horrible has happened to you does not mean that you should win a scholarship. You don't want to be remembered as the pathetic applicant. You want to be remembered as the applicant who showed impressive qualities under difficult circumstances. It is for this reason that essays relating to this topic are considered among the best. Unless you only use the horrible experience as a lens with which to magnify your own personal characteristics, you will not write a good essay.

2. "Diversity" is the biggest buzzword of the 1990's. For this reason, so many applicants are tempted to declare what makes them diverse. However, simply saying you are a black, lesbian female will not impress scholarship officers in the least. While an essay incorporating this information would probably be your best topic idea, you must finesse the issue by addressing your own personal qualities and how you overcame stigma, dealt with social ostracism, etc. If you are a rich student from Beverly Hills whose father is an engineer and whose mother is a lawyer, but you happen to be a minority, an essay about how you dealt with adversity would be unwise. You must demonstrate vividly your personal qualities, interests, motivations, etc. Address specifically how your diversity will contribute to the realm of campus opinion, the academic environment, and the larger society.

3. Don't mention weaknesses unless you absolutely need to explain them away. You want to make a positive first impression, and telling a scholarship officer anything about drinking, drugs, partying, etc. undermines your goal. EssayEdge editors have read more essays on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) than we would ever have imagined. Why admit to weakness when you can instead showcase your strengths?

4. Be honest, but not for honesty's sake. Unless you are a truly excellent writer, your best, most passionate writing will be about events that actually occurred. While you might be tempted to invent hardship, it is completely unnecessary. Write an essay about your life that demonstrates your personality.

Step Three: Writing the Essay, Tips for Success

Even seemingly boring topics can be made into exceptional scholarship essays with an innovative approach. In writing the essay you must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade the scholarship officer that you are extremely worthy of receiving college assistance and to make the officer aware that you are more than a GPA and a standardized score, that you are a real-life, intriguing personality.

Unfortunately, there is no surefire step-by-step method to writing a good essay. EssayEdge editors at www.EssayEdge.com will remake your essay into an awesome, memorable masterpiece, but every topic requires a different treatment since no two essays are alike. However, we have compiled the following list of tips that you should find useful while writing your scholarship essay.

Answer the Question. You can follow the next 12 steps, but if you miss the question, you will not win the scholarship.

Be Original. Even seemingly boring essay topics can sound interesting if creatively approached. If writing about a gymnastics competition you trained for, do not start your essay: "I worked long hours for many weeks to train for XXX competition." Consider an opening like, "Every morning I awoke at 5:00 to sweat, tears, and blood as I trained on the uneven bars hoping to bring the state gymnastics trophy to my hometown."

Be Yourself. The scholarship committee wants to learn about you and your writing ability. Write about something meaningful and describe your feelings, not necessarily your actions. If you do this, your essay will be unique. Many people travel to foreign countries or win competitions, but your feelings during these events are unique to you. Unless a philosophy or societal problem has interested you intensely for years, stay away from grand themes that you have little personal experience with.

Don't "Thesaurize" your Composition. For some reason, students continue to think big words make good essays. Big words are fine, but only if they are used in the appropriate contexts with complex styles. Think Hemingway.

Use Imagery and Clear, Vivid Prose. If you are not adept with imagery, you can write an excellent essay without it, but it's not easy. The application essay lends itself to imagery since the entire essay requires your experiences as supporting details. Appeal to the five senses of the scholarship officers.

Spend the Most Time on your Introduction. Expect scholarship officers to spend 1-2 minutes reading your essay. You must use your introduction to grab their interest from the beginning. You might even consider completely changing your introduction after writing your body paragraphs.

Don't Summarize in your Introduction. Ask yourself why a reader would want to read your entire essay after reading your introduction. If you summarize, the scholarship officer need not read the rest of your essay.

Create Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the scholarship officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their emotions to make them relate to your subject matter.

Body Paragraphs Must Relate to Introduction. Your introduction can be original, but cannot be silly. The paragraphs that follow must relate to your introduction.

Use Transition. Applicants continue to ignore transition to their own detriment. You must use transition within paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve the logical flow of your essay. Transition is not limited to phrases like "as a result, in addition, while . . . , since . . . , etc." but includes repeating key words and progressing the idea. Transition provides the intellectual architecture to argument building.

Conclusions are Crucial. The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications. In the conclusion, avoid summary since the essay is rather short to begin with; the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words before. Also do not use stock phrases like "in conclusion, in summary, to conclude, etc." You should consider the following conclusions:

Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion.

Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.

Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.

End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not try to do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.

Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.

Remember, your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why your little sister died or why people starve in Africa; you are not writing a "sit-com," but should forge some attempt at closure.

Do Something Else. Spend a week or so away from your draft to decide if you still consider your topic and approach worthwhile.

Give your Draft to Others. Ask editors to read with these questions in mind:

What is the essay about?

Have I used active voice verbs wherever possible?

Is my sentence structure varied or do I use all long or all short sentences?

Do you detect any clichés?

Do I use transition appropriately?

Do I use imagery often and does this make the essay clearer and more vivid?

What's the best part of the essay?

What about the essay is memorable?

What's the worst part of the essay?

What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?

What parts of the essay do not support your main argument or are immaterial to your case?

Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This MUST be the case.

What does the essay reveal about your personality?

Could anyone else have written this essay?

How would you fill in the following blank based on the essay: "I want to accept you to this college because our college needs more ________."

Revise, Revise, Revise. You only are allowed so many words; use them wisely. If H.D. Thoreau couldn't write a good essay without revision, neither will you. Delete anything in the essay that does not relate to your main argument. Do you use transition? Are your introduction and conclusions more than summaries? Did you find every single grammatical error?

Allow for the evolution of your main topic. Do not assume your subject must remain fixed and that you can only tweak sentences.

Editing takes time. Consider reordering your supporting details, delete irrelevant sections, and make clear the broader implications of your experiences. Allow your more important arguments to come to the foreground. Take points that might only be implicit and make them explicit.

Have your Essay Professionally Edited. The application essay is too important not to spend $50 for its improvement. Editing houses like EssayEdge at http://www.EssayEdge.com will significantly improve your essay's style, transition, voice, grammar, and tone; EssayEdge will also make content suggestions to ensure your essay is unique and memorable.

For more tips, click here.

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